After months of an empty bedroom down the hall, hearing your college student walk through the front door for winter break can feel pretty wonderful. You may be ready to catch up on everything that has happened since move-in day, share a few family traditions, and enjoy having everyone together again. Your student, meanwhile, may be arriving home with a very different idea of what the next few weeks should look like.
College has given them a new level of independence, and while coming home can be comforting, it can also feel a little strange to suddenly be back in the routines of family life. For parents, that can make winter break an interesting balancing act. You want to give your child room to enjoy the independence they have developed, while still remembering that being home comes with responsibilities and expectations. Fortunately, you can do both.
Your College Student Has Changed, and So Has Your Relationship
One of the biggest adjustments for parents can be recognizing that the child who comes home may not be the exact same person who left a few months earlier. Psychologist Jeffrey Jensen Arnett coined the term “emerging adulthood” to describe the period from the late teens through the 20s. Child Trends describes the transition into adulthood as a time when young people develop greater educational, financial, and social independence while building relationships and figuring out longer-term goals.
So, if your student comes home with new opinions, routines, priorities, or ideas about how they want to spend their time, that’s not necessarily a problem to solve, as it’s part of growing up. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with every decision your child makes, but the relationship may need to look a little different than it did when they were in high school.
Start With a Conversation About Expectations
One of the quickest ways to create tension over winter break is for parents and students to have completely different ideas about what “coming home” means. Your student may be thinking, “I’m an adult now, so I should be able to come and go as I please.” You may be thinking, “You’re living in our home again, so there are certain things we need to know.” Both perspectives make sense.
The American Psychological Association’s (APA) recent reporting on emerging adulthood specifically addresses the kinds of questions families may need to renegotiate when a young adult comes home, including curfews, family meals, chores, financial support, and household expectations. That research also suggests that young adults tend to do best when parents combine warmth and support with appropriate boundaries, rather than relying on either strict control or a complete absence of rules.
Therapeutic Partners suggests having a conversation about mutual expectations before your child arrives. Thanksgiving could be a great time to discuss what that long, winter-break at home should look like. Depending on your family, that conversation could include:
- Which family meals or holiday events are especially important
- Household chores and shared responsibilities
- Expectations around guests
- Use of a family car
- Communication if plans change or your student will be out late
- Any household rules that apply to everyone
Give Them Some Room
After months apart, it’s completely natural to want to make the most of the time your child is home. And while your student may have missed you, too, they may also want to make time to see friends, spend time with a partner, work, exercise, or have a quiet afternoon to themselves.
APA’s research emphasizes that developing autonomy is an important part of this stage of life. Family time can still be a priority, but it can help to be clear about what matters most to you instead of expecting your student to be available for every activity. “We’re having dinner with family friends on Saturday, and we’d really love for you to come” gives your child the information they need without making them feel as though their entire break belongs to the family. And giving them the opportunity to opt-out of a low-stakes gathering can help them feel that autonomy, especially when there are events you expect your child to attend.
Resist the Urge to Be a Helicopter Parent
It can be surprisingly easy to slip back into old parenting habits when your child comes home. Maybe you find yourself asking about every assignment, commenting on their sleep schedule, worrying about how they are spending their money, or offering an opinion every time they mention a problem. Usually, these instincts come from a good place. Still, college is giving your child an opportunity to practice making decisions on their own. Letting them continue to do that at home can be one of the most valuable things you give them.
Psychologist Laurence Steinberg, through the American Psychological Association (APA), encourages to parents that, “…unless asked for it, keep your opinions to yourself. Except in those situations where you think that the consequences are going to be very, very severe and irreversible.” While it may sound harsh, counseling centers like Denver Metro Counseling echo the sentiment by explaining, “An opinion can often be confused with judgment.”
The next time your child tells you about a difficult class, friendship, relationship, or decision, consider starting with a question:
- “Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?”
- “What do you think you’re going to do?”
- “Would it help to talk through some options?”
Yes, Your Home Can Still Have Rules
If your family has expectations about chores, guests, shared spaces, transportation, or respectful behavior, it is perfectly reasonable to maintain them while your student is home. The trick is distinguishing between household boundaries and controlling your adult child’s life. Psychologist Nancy Darling, through Psychology Today, suggests, “One thing that can help both parents and returning college students to adjust to their new normal is to focus on principles they agree on.”
For example, asking your child to let you know if they will be using the family car is a reasonable household expectation. Requiring a detailed itinerary of everywhere they will be going may feel more like the supervision they experienced in high school.
APA’s current research recognizes that families are often renegotiating exactly these kinds of boundaries. Supportive parenting with clear limits can help young adults develop independence while still knowing they have a family they can rely on. When deciding whether a rule is still necessary, it can help to ask: “Does this expectation help our household function, or am I trying to manage something my child can reasonably manage for themselves?” That question can make it easier to hold onto the boundaries that matter while letting go of some that no longer do.
Remember That Home Might Feel a Little Strange
For some students, coming home is exactly what they need after a busy semester. For others, it can take some getting used to. They’ve spent months building a new routine, and suddenly they’re back in their childhood bedroom, sharing a bathroom, answering questions about dinner, and running into people they have known their entire lives. At the same time, they may be carrying stress from school, friendships, finances, relationships, or uncertainty about the future. Therapist Dianne Andruzzi, through Northern Virginia Magazine, explains, “When they come home from school, they are straddling the gap between the child they were and the adult they are becoming, and it is not always pretty”.
As Child Trends describes, emerging adulthood brings that period of significant change. At the same time, Newport Institute also notes that young adults coming home for the holidays are susceptible to regression, often in response to stressful family dynamics that can come around that time of year. If your student seems quieter, a little unsettled, or if they’re giving you an occasional eyeroll, try not to assume the worst. A casual, “You seem like you’ve got a lot on your mind. How are you doing?” can let them know you are there without putting them on the spot.
Be Available Without Trying to Fix Everything
When your child comes home and starts talking about a difficult class, roommate problem, friendship, or something that has been weighing on them, it can be tempting to jump in with a solution. After all, you have years of experience and probably a pretty good idea of what you would do. Sometimes, though, what your child needs most is for you to listen. Psychologist Nancy Darling mentions, “Hovering over young adults making big decisions about courses, friends, and activities communicates something important: that they are not capable of doing this on their own.”
The Child Mind Institute recommends creating a relationship in which college-age children feel supported and heard without feeling pried into. Its College Readiness Toolkit also encourages parents to first consider whether their child is looking for solutions or simply needs someone to listen and help them think things through.
If your student tells you about a difficult situation, listen before reaching for a solution. Ask what they think they should do. If they want your opinion, share it. And if they decide to do something differently than you would have, remember that part of becoming an adult is learning to make, and sometimes learn from, your own decisions.
Keep an Eye on Mental Health
Winter break can also give parents a chance to notice how their child is doing emotionally. Not every change in mood or routine is cause for concern, as college students have demanding schedules and coming home after a long semester can be exhausting. But if you notice more significant or persistent changes, it’s worth checking in.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) recommends paying attention to symptoms such as persistent sadness or irritability, loss of interest in activities, changes in sleep or appetite, difficulty concentrating, or trouble keeping up with normal responsibilities, particularly when these symptoms are severe or interfere with everyday life. The Claudia Black Young Adult Center also notes, “One key indicator is a dramatic personality shift, such as notable changes in their mood or behavior.” If something concerns you, you can share what you’ve noticed and ask how they’re doing.
If additional support is needed, encourage your student to connect with a counselor, doctor, therapist, or other qualified professional. The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP)’s resources for young adults and their families can also help parents understand when additional support may be appropriate. And if your child talks about something worrisome and you believe they may be in immediate danger, take it seriously and seek help right away. In the United States, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available by calling/texting 988 or by chat.
Give Yourself Some Grace, Too
There’s another person adjusting during winter break: you. Parents can experience a mix of pride, excitement, worry, sadness, and even a little uncertainty as their children become more independent. APA’s recent reporting on the empty-nest transition notes that parents may experience a shift in their own identity as their children leave home, while also finding opportunities to pursue their own interests and develop a different kind of relationship with their adult children.
That transition doesn’t necessarily happen all at once. In fact, APA notes that many families now experience a “partial, delayed, or reversible” empty nest as young adults move between living independently and spending periods of time at home. If you find yourself missing the days when you knew exactly where your child was, while also feeling proud of the person they are becoming, you’re not alone.
Enjoy Having Them Home
Winter break can bring a mix of emotions for everyone. There may be some adjusting, a few disagreements about chores or schedules, and moments when you wonder how the child who used to live by your routines became so independent. But there are also the good parts: a favorite meal together, a late-night conversation in the kitchen, watching a movie as a family, or simply having your child around the house again.
Give your college student room to be the person they are becoming, while making space to reconnect and enjoy the familiar things that brought you together in the first place. The relationship may look different now, but there’s still plenty of room for laughter, conversation, and time together. After all, one of the best parts of having your child home for winter break may simply be just having them home.
The information provided in this piece is for your convenience and informational purposes only and not to be construed as professional advice. FEEA and its coauthors and sponsors are not liable for any losses or damages related to actions or failure to act with regard to the content in this piece.
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